Sunday, January 31, 2016

My Trail is made of Words

As I sit reading more of Wild, I realize my writing has been my "trail."  Cheryl, after losing her mother to cancer and getting a divorce, among numerous other things she went through dealing with the grief of her life not turning out the way she'd thought it would, set out to hike the Pacific Crest Trail, alone, to find herself again. Years later, she wrote her book outlining the endeavors of her life, including her three month long hike. [It's a great book by the way!]

If i could hike for three months, if it was something I could actually physically and financially do, I actually might of considered it, as well. But, I've always used my words, my thoughts, my internal revelations while sitting quietly, alone, as my trail. It's something that I've always done. And something I'll continue to do.

It's something I also do alone. People read it of course. People read my book. People read my previous blog. People are reading this new blog. Who is actually reading this new blog, well that's a good question. I have no idea. I can only see that people are

This wasn't actually my first blog since the ex husband and I separated in the summer of 2014. My first one was titled Sadness, Party of One. [I deleted it long ago, so don't bother looking for it.] The description was Life after husband leaves, the air hurts my heart when I breathe. It was mostly sad poetry.  I didn't have my name on it anywhere. No one could find it by searching anything about me. Only a small handful of my very closest friends that I gave the link to ever knew that it even existed. Ironically, one of those, then, closest friends that I shared it with is now with him.

I didn't blog on it for very long. And what was on it was sad. It was just... sad. I went through my days and my life the best I could in the beginning. I was happy... sometimes. When I was with my kids being silly or with friends, or was at work distracted, or was out having fun on dates with new people or drinking. I was good if I had distractions; they made me forget that my heart still hurt so much because I could focus on just what was in front of me then, at that moment, and not the rock that sat in my gut and my chest. A rock that both weighed me down, miserably, and ripped my heart wide open. At the beginning, I was both relieved, and completely and utterly devastated, all at the very same time. It's ridiculous how that can even be a thing. How can that even be a thing? But, it totally is a thing.

The rock has been gone a while now. And I'm okay just being by myself, just being me. So, that's what I'm going to do. For a long time, I wondered if I'd ever feel alright just being by myself, with no other distractions. After making it there, I want to really experience it. For the better part of the last year and and a half, I was seeing at least one person, sometimes two at the same time, and going out with friends a lot. Now that I am okay without the distractions, I feel like I need to continue on the path that just has the one lane for me. I haven't yet reached the end of this particular trail. I still don't fully know who I am, by myself. But, I get a little closer every day. 

I'm going to continue to not date or see anyone. How long will this last? Not seeing anyone. I actually ask myself that question. And, I don't have an answer. Because, I have no idea. I'm just playing it all by ear. Just like the previous phases had, it will last as long as it does, until it doesn't anymore. 

I didn't want to run around anymore and I didn't want to jump into a defined relationship with someone, either, before I knew I was okay by myself. I could have. But, I'm not going to do that before I even know who I am, without anyone else. Seems a lot of people do that. That does not mean it was the best thing for them. It's just easy to do. 

I refuse to do that. 

Peace, Love, and chocolate milk with a bendy straw...

Meeesty













Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Stuffed deliciousness

I made something different for dinner that I've never made before! Didn't use a specific recipe; just browsed a few different ones real quick earlier today and then used what I already had at home. Most recipes say to use ground beef, I used pork sausage just because I already had a pound thawed out. Most called for rice; I used potatoes instead. I just kind of threw stuff in that I thought would be good, and they turned out great, and very tasty.

Pre-heated oven to 350

To the browned pork sausage, I added:

1/2 chopped onion
1/2 can whole new potatoes; diced
1/2 can black beans
1/2 can sweet corn
1 whole can diced tomatoes w/ chiles (including juice)
1/3 can regular diced tomatoes (no juice)
1/4 cup salsa (it was just a tad too dry and needed a little something)

Garlic salt and pepper

I used 3 peppers; washed, cut and microwaved for 4 minutes while I was making the filling.

Once the filling had cooked down some, I mixed in two handfuls of colby jack shredded cheese. With the pepper halves on a baking sheet, I filled them with the mixture and topped off with some more cheese. I then baked for about 30 minutes until the peppers were tender.

Only the oldest boy was home, but he ate two halves and cleaned his plate completely, so I guess I did good! I thought they were delicious!

I seldom make different things, but I'm trying to branch out. This is a good start.






Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Old Sh!t

I'm a big fan of Miranda Lambert. She has a song called old Sh!t. I love country music (in addition to soooo many other kinds) but I, too, love old sh!t. Always have. Always will. The handful of times I was allowed to wonder around in my Great Grandma's attic as a kid was simply amazeballs.

I also love ART. An assortment of art, including Picasso.  I ordered this poster print of his Blue Nude that he originally painted in 1902. It's a combination of my two loves! Old stuff, and ART. Though it's washed out, even so, I look forward to finding a frame that I want to put it in, and hanging it in my home. I mean, what do you expect for the little that I paid for it?



That's my remote, holding it down at the bottom, in case you were wondering what that was.

Did I actually just describe Picasso as "old sh!t?"  Yeah. I actually did, I guess.


Thursday, January 14, 2016

New DESK and BOOKS!



Someone asked me last week what I was going to DO if I wasn't going to be watching Netflix or getting on Facebook. Well, here's one thing that I can do.... read. Ya don't need the TV on when you're reading. I was sitting on my bedroom floor when I took the picture above, in front of my TV. Yes, that's my TV sitting on a foot stool, leaning against the wall... where it's been since we moved into our new apartment last year in April, nine months ago. A few of my friends offered to put it up for me last year, but I just never set it up for them to come do it. I didn't want to trouble anyone. And, honestly, I really hadn't cared before that it wasn't hung up. I was fine that it was just leaning there. That's what I'd been doing also, anyway... just kind of leaning there. Not quite sure where I wanted to be or where I was supposed to be. Just... leaning. So, it was fine.

Now that I'm getting my bedroom in order, I do want it hung up though. My oldest son got the things to hang it, but we haven't found the doodad part of the TV for the back that has to be on there. (Can you tell why I didn't hang it up myself? Things and doodads. I have no idea how to do it. Though, I couldn't do it myself if I wanted to anyway, I'm too short and it's too heavy.)  It's around somewhere. Though, we keep forgetting to look for it again. I know my boys would have hung it for me a long time ago if I'd really asked them to, but again, I just really didn't care about it at the time. I do have to say that I am looking forward to having it up and looking nicer in my room now.



I ordered these two books with part of my Amazon gift card. Got Wild a couple days ago and started reading it and just received Eat Pray Love today, that I will read next. It's so great to order lots of little things, because then I have surprises to open when I get home from work!




Last week I decided to look for desks online. I wanted a small one for my bedroom. I found this, and I love it! My color, even. It came yesterday and my youngest and I put it together.

I'm gonna read some more now, while I eat. (Chance made rice bowls and they're delish) I know. Such exciting stuff! But, I am so content with life right now... :)










Saturday, January 9, 2016

Recycling at it's finest

I was looking for some kind of little bowl or dish to put loose change in to have in my bedroom. I was looking all around and couldn't find anything to use. Then, I came across this little bowl with a lid in a box in my closet. Of course, it needed a make over since it had a picture of me and the Ex...




Then, I saw the two colors of nail polish sitting on my end table (of which I'd probably never actually use) so I put it to use to make over the dish.

At first, I was disappointed when I saw the polish wasn't completely covering the picture. (And you could still completely see the picture if there was light behind it, even when I painted the back of it.)




But, then I realized the darker color covered it completely. This is the kind of stuff that I USED to do. Getting back to it. AND I recycled something, which is always a good thing. :)






Friday, January 8, 2016

Happy Pictures

The first 30 Days of MEsty project the other day.... finally putting pictures in the frames I'd bought months ago, and actually hanging them up. This is also part of my bedroom re-decorating since I got the new bed in last week. So, I was able to sit in the middle of my bedroom floor and spread out all my pictures to see which ones I wanted to hang up, because I actually had ROOM to do that. :)



 
 


Chance has gotten me on Dubstep. So I was listening to my Dubstep Pandora station while I was sorting through my pictures.

 



They're not kidding when they say "MEMORY Foam"

I was finally able to get a new bed! I ordered a new frame and mattress for myself. I had been sleeping on the king-size, pre-divorce bed.

I loathed this bed for many reasons. One reason should be obvious. It wasn't my bed. It had been our bed. And not just because of that, but it also held a lot of not-so-great memories between his multiple post-surgeries and me spending more than a month in that darn thing before my back surgery (two years ago this week), which was the most physically painfully agonizing time of my life.

Along with that, this giant bed took up 3/4 of my room. And I like having some empty floor space. It was also uncomfortable.

I purchased the bed and mattress from Target.com. I had no idea you could order a bed frame and mattress, online, from Target. But, alas. You can! And I did. It's very small, and low to the ground. But, it was inexpensive ($254 for both the frame and mattress.) And it is MINE. Just mine. It's perfect... for now.

It was such a relief when the Salvation Army came and picked up the old one, and it was GONE. Forever! Along with the bed, the constant reminder of all the negative things that it held were also gone.  

This was the first thing I put in my "Happy Jar" for this year. 


I love my room so much more now.

Though, perhaps I shouldn't say the new bed is all mine...


Dice and Spike also approve.

Amazon boxes and Elephants

I got an Amazon gift card for Christmas from a friend of mine. I ordered a bunch of random things. This was the first of what I ordered to be received, a Hippie sling bag. Complete with an elephant print. 





I love elephants. Some only see this giant, wrinkly animal that they find to be very unattractive. 

I see much more when I look at them. They are very smart, and very emotional beings. In the wild, when one of their own dies, they will go back and visit the bones of their dearly departed, even caressing the bones, lovingly. Elephants that have been kept in chains their entire life will cry real tears when they have been freed. They are kind hearted souls.

Some may protest, bringing up instances of captive elephants "losing it" during forced performances or when they have children on their backs during elephant rides when they are forced to accommodate the public.

The key words here are "captive" and "forced."

We can't blame wild animals for acting like wild animals, simply because it doesn't suit us. It should be of no surprise they eventually get to a breaking point.

I read somewhere recently one of the main circus organizations were removing elephants from their performances. I have not researched this information, but I hope that it is true!