Thursday, March 2, 2017

Sometimes

I just found this saved in my email. I wrote it in 2015, but had never posted it. 
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Sometimes.

"Sometimes is my favorite word," a tag line I've often used for myself. Because, it holds so much truth for me and who I am.

Sometimes I am up.
Sometimes I am down.
Sometimes I am weak.
Sometimes I am strong.
Sometimes I am the confident, funny, loud one.
Sometimes I am the quiet one.

"Sometimes" is a necessity in my world.

In order to be up, and confident, and strong, I have to sometimes be weak, and quiet, and alone. I need the recharge. I need the time of reflection.

When I am up and confident and strong, I embrace those times. I enjoy it. I get everything out of it that I can. I laugh, genuinely. I enjoy the company of others, genuinely. I... Experience. I soak it up. I soak it up because I know it's not always there. I know it changes. I know it's not forever, it's right now in this moment.

Sometimes, I am perfectly content and happy with just myself. "Mistyland," I like to call it. It's not that I'm sad or depressed, I just like being alone sometimes. Well, let me rephrase that, sometimes I need to be. And I embrace those times, as well.

This is how I control my life. By my "sometimes" and by my putting my inner most thoughts and feelings out there... letting it go to float up into the universe where it spans out over space and time and centuries. This alternative is much better than it being cooped up with no place to go but my little heart.

Sometimes.

"Sometimes," is the key.

Sometimes, I think I'll never let myself truly care about someone again... never let myself love.
Never let anyone else in enough to love me. Not really. 

But, I am also big on self evaluation and I know I'm not the only one that would feel this way right now if they'd been in the same situation that I have been. I know, or I hope at least, that it won't always be this way. This is just one of the sometimes.

People tell me that I am strong. But, am I really? What is the definition of a strong person? Are they strong all the time? I am not strong all the time. Only sometimes. I don't think that means that I am strong.

I think it just means that I am human. I am human, and I have found a way to get through, and a way to be okay.

Sometimes.



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